Now you must realize that I am no writer, am not an author, and really have no business being here. So, why, you ask, am I here. I have a deeper purpose and a higher calling. The old authors would not want to hear it, but I am here as reformer. I am here to clean up this waste of the donator's money, waste of band width and wastes in excess of 36 inches. If I should win this prize, I, for one, will reject any such frivolity being sent my way in my name for the act of writing 50,000 words. No, I shall be frugal and humble while I am in the spotlight. I will go on and on in a modest style of humility and reject any such personal gains or glory for accomplishments which I really deserve. For I wish you to think well of me and to hold me up as a paragon of virtue while you are watching me.
However I will have a trust set up for wife and family by which all funds may be diverted. . .all bacon and pork products may be sent in care of. For I have learned this political season that sincerity is not a virtue that anyone takes serious, so you will not find me on a bandwagon where there are no wagoneers or bandaleros. Just send the money, send the pork, send the contractors and the oil contracts. I will graciously turn them down, but as not to embarrass or to snub an important constituency, I will send the funds to the family trust. Everybody wins, and I get to be a greedy reprobate while claiming to be a reformer.
Please make all checks payable to the Novel to Nowhere. Actually cash, money orders or gold bullion would be the preferable manner of payment, but no monetary offering will be turned away.
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